The past few days have been full of ups, downs, firsts, additions, and shockers. I just wish I could record it all here. I wish I could just get it all out. I feel like this jumbled mess of feelings and emotions that I can't seem to separate and make any sense of. Work is work; long, somewhat stressful and now gut wrenching... I have had to deal with an issue with a coworker and some inappropriate conduct and I feel sick and used and weary. HR has been fantastic about everything but I just feel socked in the gut everytime I think about it. We have been examining our finances (again) these past few days and trying to revise our goals, limits(ha! that's funny.... how do you set limits on nothing??), and get some strategies in place. We are researching private schools since homeschooling is about to stress us to the max and we are barely getting anything done! But again we are talking about money. I am looking at a promotion at work next month but we are still unsure of if that is a real possibility or not and what that would do to our lives. We have been examining some grants but you never can get something for nothing.... You practically sell your soul to get grants in medical school. They all want commitments of time to their city, state or reservation (like the Naive American indian reservations). And we don't like the idea of being tied down. Then there is the whole MBA school issue. With me working Todd is not getting the study time he needs so his grades are lagging and the MBA program he is enrolled in on top of his D.O. is just eating up time. It is a really cool MBA designed to fit in with his medical education with a focus in health care management; just way cool but work none the less. A bright spot are the birds. Todd came home the other day with two pretty little parakeets! a gift for Trina and Tacey! We found out, after we got them in their cage (a gift from Granna in Texas), that we had a girl and a boy so we have dreams of baby parakeets in our house! Trina, however, promptly burst into tears upon the knowledge that hers was the boy!! While Tacey was thrilled that hers was a girl she said she didn't mind having the boy if Trina wanted to trade. That's Tacey for you: happy in any circumstances! Trina declared that she didn't like green and that the blue one was hers! But continued to sob that it was supposed to be a girl!! Oh, brother!! Anyway, pictures of budgie birds to follow.....

I just have to figure out how to do everything as I seem to be getting nothing done!! We just get further and further behind in everything around here. I long for a clean house; for clean children; for sit-down meals; for clothes that I can take out of a drawer instead of the dryer or worse yet the dirty clothes pile..... yuck! I long for time to be with my husband and relax..... for real!! Not just for a moment that we steal from other important things but for a good long, mind melding, precious time! I don't want to feel rushed anymore but this is just the tip of the iceberg....

Anyway, it will all come together. I have just got to get some systems in place to make my life more manageable and really dig in to them and stick to it....... Wow, that will be the day.... I am the queen of fly by the seat of my pants, just live life to the fullest, throw caution to the wind, just pick up and go! But I am learning the joy of the gentle spirit and keeping at home. I really do long for a beautiful clean and smoothly run home and each year I look back and see that I have gotten a little better. But whenever I add a new thing to my life I get thrown for a loop and have to regroup; however, for me that takes months! And of course by that time something is changing again!!! ARrrrgg! It is a perpetual struggle for me. But that is what life is all about, right? Learning, growing, changing, maturing, stretching, flexing, developing? Oh, yay!  Such fun stuff!! *sigh* Keep me in your prayers. I steal these moments from other important tasks to blog but it clears my head and makes me feel connected to the world. I love you guys!

Trina (our "Budgie Love", her nick name since birth) thinks this is the perfect outfit for the first 70 degree day of 2006!!

She is running around like this in our back yard and I just don't have the heart to make her change. She thinks she look so cool!! Don't you love it?!?

10 minutes later....This is the rest of them just a moment ago as they were all headed out again.

What is up with the swim suits?? But Tyler looks like it is still winter. They are pretending to dive into the pool.  Poor kids ... They are so ready for summer!!But I told them if they tried to get wet with the hose they were as good as dead!! LOL!!

My husband is such a wonderful guy!!

Why, you ask, do I bring this up at this particular moment?? He really is wonderful for many, many reasons; many that I can't mention here  but at the moment I am just really appreciating these....

Yes. They are those ultra huge, heavy duty, wash-three-loads-at-a-time kinda mega laundry machines!! And we really couldn't afford them when we bought them but with number 5 on the way at the time he was really feeling that he needed to do something to lighten my load and this was it!!!  See. I told you he was wonderful! I remember thinking when we hooked them up.... "With a washer and dryer like this, laundry will be a snap!"

Now to the real topic of this post.... Authenticity.  You see, as the years have gone by and life has thrown different people with some interesting perspectives of me in my path I have come to crave authenticity on many levels..... But I guess I am reaching a new low... *gulp* I am about to post my current laundry pile....

Ok, maybe this whole authenticity thing is for the birds!!! ARRggAHHHHH!!!! Yep. All those are dirty!! Between working full time at Target and trying to homeschool, feed family, and take care of little bodies... this has just accumulated.... So if you don't hear from me for the next week or so.... This is where I am... buried in the pile of laundry.

My wonderful mother (who also happens to be one of my closest and dearest friends) sent me a perticularly cute story the other day so I am reprinting it with her permission. She writes:

During the week of our 30th anniversary, a cold, icy front had moved into our Texas hill country, and my husband's overriding concern was four very bald tires on my little Toyota Corolla. He made plans to replace them even though ,on the morning of our anniversary, he woke up with a stuffed up head, watery eyes, and a headache.  I, on the other hand,  had plans for a romantic steak dinner at home, and I somehow thought this day was going to be a disappointment. I tried to be upbeat and optomistic.  Everything had worked out for the kids to be gone, and the meat was thawing on the counter as I headed for the office. Just maybe he'd feel better by dinner time.

Sure enough, things were't very romantic; all day our plates were full of office work, errands in town, and putting tires on the car. At 6:30 we left our office and I quickly put our special meal together. At  7:00 we were eating by candlelight and trying to leave the world behind. A movie, an exchange of cards, a relaxed climb up the stairs --and there were a dozen roses plus foil-covered kisses sprinkled all over the bed! He had come home while I was in the office - to surprise me!

There in the sweetness of the moment he began to stroke my face and hair. Dreamily he said,"I have never regretted  ( here,my heart skiped a beat)  buying Michelin tires." What?  My eyes grew wide with absolute shock. " And," he continued," I have never regretted marrying you. I would like to retire with you... I always want to be tired after going a round with you. Let's always roll around together..." and on he went.  Well, you get the picture! It was priceless.

Wow, I love that after 30 years there are still moments like that in my parents very full and happy marriage!  I have heard that it just keeps getting better but I am so glad I get daily proof! What a blessed woman I am!!!!

 I just gotta love that hair!!

Mommy finally gets in some pictures.....

Both Mommy and Tegan got the crazy hair goin' on!

 Leaving For Follies

Follies was such a fun night! Todd bought me a beautiful long stemed rose as you can see and was so attentive all evening. We ate an incredible meal and enjoyed laughing and chatting with other students and faculty. There were a few funny home videos made by the students that were showed and the live entertainment was fantastic. The dancing was awefully loud and there were only a few slow songs but we still had a great time! Mostly we just really enjoyed being out together. Todd looks soooo delish all dressed up!

I have the most wonderful little sister ever!!!! I so wish she were here right now to be apart of my excitement because she has made it all possible!! Here is the story....

Grace (my fourteen year old baby sister), and I were chatting on the phone about a month or so ago like we usually do about every week. She was talking about dancing and I mentioned the Follies Ball at Todd's medical school that was coming up. I told her how when we had first interviewed at the school that the tour person had mentioned the yearly Follies ball that the school hosted. It was a black tie dinner, entertainment, and dance that was the event of the year. It sounded like soooo much fun to me and I started looking forward to when Todd would be a real med student and we could attend all these black tie events and I could get all dressed up and go out with my man!! I started shopping for evening wear and had collected several gorgeous dresses for just such events. That was almost 3 years ago now and finally it was Follies Time!! But Todd came home only the day before this day that Grace and I were talking and announced that we could not afford the tickets. I told her how disappointed I was but that I knew medical school would require sacrifices and maybe one day we could go as alumnus or something. I just felt stupid for not realizing that events like that would cost a fortune! She sympathized and we moved on to talking about other things.

At the school people kept asking us if we were going to Follies and we said we couldn't. One couple even offered to watch our kids that night if we changed our minds. Then one day I got a letter in the mail from my little sister. The front of the card was beautifully decorated with stamps and said, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart..." When I opened it money fell out and inside was scrawled,

"Dear Todd and Jess,  I saved up this money for you so you can go to the dance in February! Hope you enjoy! Have fun! Love you, from the bottom of my heart, Gracie"

Tears immediately sprung to my eyes! She has so little of her own money and yet she gave to us so we could go do something crazy and frivolous! It means more than I can say!!

So I had an obstacle.... Todd's one suit had been ruined by our sweet son who was helping with laundry and put it in the washer so it wasn't fit to wear anymore. Todd had to have a suit to wear! Wednesdays at our thrift store is 50% off all clothing day. So the next Wednesday I headed out; praying intently all the way there that I could find him the perfect suit... I walked through the door and turned right and there on the back wall with the Men's Clothing staring right at me from all the way cross the room was the most gorgeous black suit I had ever seen!! I approached it as though it were an animal I might scare off it I acted too eager! LOL!! It was a designer suit in exactly Todd's size!!! I have never felt God's smile quite so keenly as when I whispered that prayer of thanks.... He must get a huge kick out of what makes us happy! LOL!

So today is the day!! On this very old February evening Todd and I get to go to the gorgeous Union Station downtown and dance the night away! (boy.... I am having a major drama queen moment here!!) I have a wonderful new friend from work who took me yesterday to get my nails done (something I couldn't afford either.... incredibly sweet of her to pay for!) and she is coming in a few hours with her sister to help me get ready and do my hair! I am in awe of the precious friends who are giving soooo much to us to make this evening a magical time for me! 

Soooooo...... pictures to follow! (I can't feel the ground under me???)

"...for we are the true circumcision, who worship in the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: ...as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the Law, found blameless. But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of HIS resurrection and the fellowship of HIS sufferings, being conformed to HIS death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained it! or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus.

Friends, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus... For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of HIS glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to subject all things to Himself...

Therefore, my Dear Friends whom I long to see, my joy and crown, in this way stand firm in the Lord, my beloved... REJOICE in the LORD always; again I will say, REJOICE!!!"

Taken from Philippians 3:3 thru 4:4 and slightly paraphrased from my own heart.

Sunday I had a brain fart, an epiphany, you know one of those light bulb moments? It all started a few weeks ago one evening while I sat curled up on the couch drinking some late night coffee while Todd sat by me trying to study. In that rare moment of quietness I started introspecting and thinking; analizing where I was now and wondering what it was to be grown up? I realized that I finally felt grown up… I had stopped seeing ads in homeschool magazines for high school writing contests and thinking, “I could do that!” Duh, Jess, you are in your twenties not your teens!!! You aren’t a high schooler anymore! Your own kids are in school! But somehow I had felt for so long caught somehow at around 17 or 18 and couldn’t seem to feel older; you know like my age! ::eye roll:: I hated that feeling of flying by the seat of my pants on everything and never feeling the respect or maturity that comes with being an adult and acting like one. It doesn’t help that I look 18!! But over the past few months I realized that after having gone through some real times of testing in some relationships in my life that I had been forced to learn to earn respect and carry myself with a different aire; with a new way of expressing myself. Not that I have stopped being my goofy/nutty/crazy self by any means but learning to gently and in a mature way put my foot down with people and be firm on my role as mother, wife and almost 30 year old! (ok, yikes… that sounds scary!!!) But it was good; and a long time coming. But I still felt that I was somehow missing the point of something key in what being an adult means; that there was more to the thoughts and understandings of a grown woman. I just couldn’t put my finger on it…..

But suddenly it all snapped into place Sunday after reading this past week some other blogs and looking hard at my own goals and dreams. Todd and I hit a moment of panic a little over a week ago as I started my new job and he was taking on more responsibility with the kids. We suddenly wondered if we really could pull this whole medical school thing off! It was hard! I was exhausted! He was behind in studying and getting more so by the day!! The kids schooling is suffering and we just wondered if it was all worth it!? And then suddenly there it was… As Westley tells Buttercup on The Princess Bride, “Life IS pain! Anyone who tells you differently is selling something!” The passage above from Philippians 3 that one of our elders read before the sermon and just after we sang, “Knowing You”, just leaped out at me and suddenly I got it! The life of the redeemed is all about suffering and pain! That is what makes us KNOW HIM! We really can’t unless we suffer! We MUST suffer. We MUST hurt… deeply... over and over again, or we will not know the power of HIS resurrection or love Him on any kind of deep level! From beginning to end our life must hold suffering of all kinds and shapes and sizes in order for us to gain Christ! Good grief, I had heard this my whole life! That is why my dear mother wanted me to read the Foxes Book of Martyrs and Stepping Heavenward over and over again! But I hated both of them and struggled against what I thought was her morbid obsession with pain! But now I saw the joy… the purpose of life! For so many years I had gone through some of the darkest and most trying times I thought possible for my heart to take and all the while I kept thinking and telling myself, “Just hang on… it will all be over one day and then you will live happily ever after” but just as soon as I came through one terrible struggle where was always a new one waiting just around the bend and I would be plunged back into the refining fire! Now I get it. This is the purpose…. I can see that now and am in awe of His love!! For if He did not love me; if I were not His chosen and redeemed one He would not bother to place me in the furnace!

So I guess this will be a lesson I will have to revisit many times!! When the weary days come; when my strength feels gone I must realize that HIS strength is made perfect in weakness! That He is near to the broken hearted! And that underneath are the EVERLASTING ARMS!!

A daddy's favorite time of day!! This was taken a few days ago when Todd was walking in the door from school. Tyler just went running to him and when he swooped her up she just started kissing on him! He sure loves his girls! Good thing too.... he sure has got an awful lot of them!!

Wow, the baby is just growing and changing so much!! Here are some of the latest pictures......

This one was taken just after church on Jan. 22 (just over a week ago)

Tegan is really changing!

I love the little smiles she gives now!!

And the thoughtful moments.... I wonder what goes thru that little head??

And the mugg shot..... Ready to join "The Partners in Crime"!! Ahhh!!!!