I PASSSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've been waiting with bated breath for the news that Todd passed his medical board exam and now, only moments ago we saw the scores and that "P" that everyone longs to see was standing out in bold black on the computer screen next to my husbands name! He not only passed but got a very good score that he is proud of and we are just standing in total awe of God's incredible faithfulness.... We just had no idea if he was going to have to take it over or what but now, knowing his passing score, it just takes this unbelievably heavy load off! We can sell all the books, throw away tons of 3 inch binders filled with notes, and dance a little jig around our living room 'cause the wait is over; the news is in; we are on to the next step with the school work behind us!!!! Praise the Lord for small steps that brought us over the crest of the mountain. We still have to go down the other side but... it's all down hill from here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a rainy morning here and just a moment ago I kissed my husband goodbye as he headed off to school. And like on quite a few other occasions, I got a lump in my throat. He wore one of his nicest shirts and a tie and was looking sharp. Over one shoulder he had slung his backpack and over the other his white coat hung neatly ironed on a hanger with his ID badge and ink pen tucked in the pocket. Today he will do mock evaluations on "patients" (just actors, really) and will be graded on his interactions with the "patient" and his paperwork on the evaluation. Most of the students dread this process! A lot of Todd's friends have bombed it. But Todd gets A's every time. With his vast clinical background this is his comfort zone. So as he climbed into our old clunker Honda I could only smile. I am so incredibly proud of my husband!

My man has worked so hard to get to this point! Some days it feels like forever ago that our dreams were only a whisp of desire... an inkling of hope. Often just barely there in the back of our minds as we tried to survive the hard times. But it's days like today that my heart wants to burst just thinking that God brought us through! There are so many times that if just one thing hadn't come together or if we hadn't been able to get the money for say an application we wouldn't be here today. There are so many times I prayed the whole time Todd took a test that all the work he put into studying would pay off; that he would be able to bring all that information out when he needed it and that he could somehow pass. Most days it seemed nearly impossible! How in the world could he remember anything he was reading when he had a baby on his shoulder to soothe, a toddler shreeking constantly as she played around him, princesses dancing through the room to incredibly loud Broadway showtunes, and an inquisitive son wondering what you are learning and how it works in his body? How could anything make sense when you study under those conditions?? But somehow God helped it stick each time and somehow each test had a passing grade. But it's days like today that I stop and just wonder.... How'd You do it, God? How'd You make it all come together? Why do You care about our little family so much? Why are Todd's and my dreams so important to YOU? What in the world must You have planned for us? I just stand in awe. What's He doing??

Todd has worked incredibly hard and planned to the best of his ability but that planning and hard work can only get you so far. All the details have to fall together. Without our wonderful Savior bringing all those details together we wouldn't be here today; about to leave the classroom and head into the clinical setting for the rest of Todd's education. Some days I just wonder...

Ever just get that blah feeling? Like you are just a little fuzzy. Not really down but kinda lost. *sigh* (I should never post in this condition but in an effort at authenticity, I am...) I have struggled for days to find direction. I know that all too soon the pressures are going to mount again. I am going to have the kiddos school to worry about; Todd is going to be gone lots more; I have to start back to school full time; and life is already a bit overwhelming right now. I guess I'm borrowing from tomorrow...

I surely am enjoying having Todd around, though! He's a totally different guy. He's funny again; cracks silly jokes and plays tricks on the kids and I constantly. He's more patient and loving too... although I feel so hard to love these days. I'm just in this funk, I guess, and can't seem to shake it! We've talked for hours, just sat and held one another with no time constraints... and I just keep hoping to feel... something. I dunno... more... alive I guess. Kinda silly but there. I said it. Gosh I bet I'll regret this post just as soon as I hit "post".

Anyway, life is good. God is so ever faithful! I am incredibly grateful for so much! Our comfortable home, our healthy babies, the amazing character I am seeing in our son, the darling antics of our girls, the provision of our needs, and the precious friends we have made in med school! Seeing them all leave in only a few weeks is heart breaking but we are so thankful for the time we've had with them! So I really don't have a blah life... just having a blah moment, I guess... 

We had so much fun with our dear friends, Irina Budagova and her son, Aram (the little cutie in the backwards baseball cap). A perfect day: only 85 degrees and breezy! We got there before 10am and just had so much fun!!

Mmmmmmm!!! I have had the immeasurable blessing of having some of the strongest, bravest, deepest, funniest, tenderest, and most inspiring men surround and fill my life! Of course, on Father's Day one thinks of your own father and my dear Daddy is such a source of joy and thankfulness in my heart today!

He has always loved and supported me even when he wasn't sure the decisions I was making were the best ones. His advice is always so good but he is never pushy or demands that I listen to his advice. Most often he waits for me to ask but reasures me of his love no matter what my decision. Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

I also have a collection of incredible uncles, each of which loves their families and have always been an example of greatness and leadership in my life! Happy Father's Day, Uncle Chuck, Uncle Fletcher, Uncle Joe, Uncle Robert, and Uncle John!

And last, but most importantly and most dear to my heart... My most amazing husband.

Those incredible men in my life prepared me and helped me to find this most amazing man! They all signed off on and gave their aproval of him as my future husband; and I wouldn't have had it any other way! My man is everything a father should be! Todd takes his role as "father" very seriously. Everything he does and every effort made in his life has everything to do with training, supporting, nurturing, and building up his family. I know very few men who get as much delight from their little girls as Todd does. When Trenton was born he took on raising that little boy with such a firm and loving hand. He put tremendous thought and effort into every interaction with him. But I remember when I was pregnant with Trina attempting to have several conversations with Todd about being a father to daughters. I thought he brushed me off, as if he really wasn't comfortable with the whole "girl thing". I couldn't have been more wrong. When that little girl made her appearance on a beautiful late Fall morning, I will never forget how captivated he was by her! With tears in the corners of his eyes he reluctantly laid her in my arms only to snatch her up every chance he got, cooing sweet nothings in her ear and every few minutes commenting, "Can you believe how beautiful she is??" He loved the girlieness and as God has blessed us with each girl after he only gained more pride and joy from being a Daddy!

I love and respect this man more than I have words to say, but I wanted to take this opportunity to give my feeble attempt anyway. I love you, Babe! Happy Father's Day!

I really enjoy city life sometime.... especially all the free or inexpensive entertainment that you can take advantage of. A few months back we got this offer in the mail for 2 free tickets to the Kansas City Symphony. I asked Todd if he was interested in taking me there if it was free and he said "sure!" So I sent off for them and in a few days our tickets came. My baby bro (who, in case you hadn't heard, now resides in the "Francis Nut House" ) was kind enough to volunteer to babysit. I was so excited and dug through the deepest recesses of my closet and found a brand new dress that a friend of mine, who was having her first baby, gave me. It was still in it's packaging from Dillards! I dressed my poor man up in his nicest suit and, each of us sporting a blazing sunburn, headed out for a night on the town. I only got one picture, (which is a cryin' shame cause we were really lookin' fine that night!! *sigh*) and it's not very good but, hey! We had a blast!

After we found our seats, which I thought were amazing, we found out that those particular seats cost over $36 each! And all we paid for was parking! Fun times, really fun times! I love going out with My Man! Thanks, Babe!

I've been avoiding this post for a while but I really need to get this done. I'm one of those hopeless extroverts who often wishes she was more of an introvert. I process everything verbally. If I can't talk about it I feel stuck on pause. My brain starts to turn to mush, or so it seems. I must confess that I really dislike this about me. I wish I could crawl into a hole and close my eyes and think and pray and process information internally until it all makes sense and then I could rejoin the world all carefully ready to present my life as it should be seen; put my crisis in perspective and not freak people out with my falling apart routine!! But I can't, don't, and probably never will quite be able to. I've weirded out more than a few people by wearing my crisis's on my sleeve and seeming like a totally messed up woman who needs major help. *shakes head* If I had only kept my mouth shut I wouldn't have seemed so totally screwed up and completely crisis ridden. My salvation has been having a couple of very dear and patient friends who are ever willing to let me rant and rave and talk in circles until somehow it all makes sense and I am back on solid ground. And learning to keep my rantings to those few people has been the trick that has saved my "lesser" (if I can call them that) relationships. I end up appearing really with it when I am actually just your average drama queen *cringe* (I hate that term but I'm afraid I tend to lean that way...) but hey, that's better than loony bin material! lol!

However, as these past two weeks have gone by I haven't been able to talk through everything on my heart. I get a little out and then I feel so.... hum... I don't know.... just lost and unable to express what I'm feeling that I shut down and then I feel like I'm dying inside... (see, I told you.... drama queen... sigh) This hand feels like it is pressing down on my chest and I can't breathe. Todd keeps telling me not to take on the weight of the world and just let things happen and cross each bridge as I come to it. I'm trying but I feel such sadness and grief that that seems trite and cold. I don't usually wallow in the depths of despair (ooo, gotta love those "Anne Shirley'isms") but this is getting close.

Anyway, all this struggle in my mind and heart have to do with our 4th child, Tyler. Our darling little 3 year old girlie who has had us on pins and needles since her surprise footling breech (feet) presentation at birth. We watched her struggle with her gross motor development, eating, and growth issues. Nothing too major but we had her in and out of various specialists and chiropractors searching for answers to each issue. They did MRI's of her brain and said there isn't any damage. She has seen an Endocrinologist about her growth and they say everything is normal. Maybe she is just going to be a very small person. Ok, that's fine with us but we just wanted to be sure she was healthy. The Failure to Thrive clinic at the children's hospital, where we have spent so many visits, charted enough growth to finally discharge her but as we were leaving I expressed concern about Tyler's behavior development. They passed us on to the Behavior and Development Clinic and it took months to get in to see their panel of specialists for an evaluation. By the time we finally got our appointment I was getting even more concerned.

Tyler is delightful but we were baffled by certain strange behaviors that we couldn't seem to understand. We were managing her fine but we knew something wasn't right. (hum... and here I struggle with how much to try to explain as far as examples of what I am talking about.... There is just so much....) Well, for example. Tyler must touch everyone! Strangers, new friends, family, everyone. When she rides in the cart in the grocery store she keeps her hand out and leans as far as she can to try to touch anyone who might be passing. She would leave with anyone without the slightest concern. She has wondered off on several occasions and ended up almost a mile from home before!! Seemingly totally unconcerned and unafraid. She torments the dog endlessly. He bites her occasionally and growls when she comes near but she seems not concerned in the least. She gets stuck on topics such as eating. Anyone who has ever called me on the phone and chatted for more than a few minutes has heard Tyler in the back ground saying something like this... in rapid fire statements,

"Mommy, I hungry. Could you feed me? I starving. Can you feed me? Can I have peanut butter sandwich? Mommy, mommy, mommy? I hungry.... "

and so on. Even just moments after eating she is back saying it. Sometimes even between bites she will say she's hungry!! We will ask her questions and she immediately parrots it back to us instead of answering. If you press her sometimes she will almost seem to get stuck and keep parroting. But other times she will snap out of it and answer properly. She is constantly into everything. She plays in tiny little stints of time moving from toy to toy and from thing to thing making it nearly impossible to keep up with where she is at at any given moment.

But she isn't really willful or mean. When she is tormenting the dog for example she seems like a child who is playing with a light-up/music playing toy who is experimentally pressing buttons just to see what will happen next. There is no malice or devilishness about it. And she seems surprised every time when he bites her. Even though she touches peoples faces and gets too much in peoples personal space she is generally very well liked. Our friends truly adore her and want to wrap her up and put the in her pocket although few are brave enough to keep her when we go out. They know what kind of disasters she can wreak and few want that kind of responsibility. She is so high energy during the day and sometimes will crash for a nap in the afternoon but we pay later that night when she wakes up either sometime in the night or very early in the morning and starts prowling the house. Once she went to the kitchen and turned on the stove and set fire to some things that were sitting on it! Thankfully Todd was still studying late that night and smelled something pretty quickly and was able to put it out without damage to our kitchen!

Some of the odd things she does made them think, Autism so they had a specialist for that present at her evaluation but I thought she wouldn't be diagnosed with anything really. She was really so well functioning as long as we watched her really well and they kept telling us that with behavior and development they rarely give diagnosis's until they are 6 years old since many delays are very hard to determine until they are of school age.

They evaluated her down the hall from me and the specialists took turns interviewing me and interacting with Tyler. When they brought me back the next week (the day of Todd's big test) they presented me with the results of the tests they gave Tyler and their interpretation of what they got from me in relation to what they observed in Tyler. I was shocked when the psychologist (who was probably in her 50's) said, "Of all of the kids Tyler's age that I have evaluated with these issues I believe Tyler is the worst case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (AD/HD - Combined type) I have ever seen. Therefore I really feel that a diagnosis at this time is appropriate." I wanted to fall out of my seat. When she went on to explain that Tyler's IQ scores put her in the "borderline" category (meaning that she tested mentally slow to the point of almost mentally retarded) but that since her attention span appeared to be no longer than usually 30 seconds it was difficult to get her to show them what she knows or for her to even learn what she should know. This was hard to take but I knew we hadn't been able to teach her quite a few things but I didn't think she was mentally slow!

I know this is getting really long and I appreciate your persistence to the is point. They made several recommendations that I won't go into here for a couple of reasons. 1) because most likely anyone reading this post will likely have very definite opinions about what we were told. and 2) because we haven't even decided what (if anything) we are going to do with their recommendations. I am entering a whole new world here. I was talking with my neighbor in the grocery store the other day about all this and some random guy was walking by and overheard just a small part of our conversations and stopped to implore me not to put my child on drugs. I blinked at him and thanked him for his thoughts but, wow... that was weird!

I really hesitated to even mention this AD/HD diagnosis here in such a public forum since it is so hated in our homeschool circles of which many of you are a part. But honestly, I have believed since I was about 18 years old that I have struggled with ADD most of my life. I think that played a major role in my parent's decision to homeschool. They didn't want me to go through the stigma of having a label and special classes or whatever. My mom just labored everyday to make things clear to me and hold my focus. I wasn't anywhere near as bad as Tyler and I functioned very well without the competition of the classroom. My mother's gift was priceless!! My self-esteem and tremendous education are a testament to my mother's sacrifice and I am forever grateful!!

But they didn't know what they were dealing with and they struggled tremendously when I reached my teens. Many children with ADHD grow out of it during puberty but I didn't. I lost the hyperactive part but the ADD remained and continues to confound my efforts at order and scheduling. I push myself everyday to overcome my brain obstacles and Todd looses patience often but we make it and I do better every year.

Honestly I would never have mentioned this except that it all comes back in stark reality with the realization of what my Tyler is faced with. I don't throw around terms as an excuse for who I am or my lack of order. Everyone has their struggle. That thing that throws a kink in their plans for a well ordered life. Mine is real and yours is real. Pretending we don't have something like that in our lives accomplishes little. But it also can become more of an issue then it should and rob us of our joy; of our purpose in life. It can be an ever present excuse and convenient scape goat for our failures. Everyone fails at times. It's what we do when we fail and how we respond that really matters. Why and what caused our failure is of little consequence when searching for somewhere to lay blame. Learning from our failings should be our concern. It is what God is concerned with.

So here I am. Weak and unable to help my little girl on my own. I barely keep my own head above water and have my own bouts with "hyper focus" and flightiness. Everything I read says that she needs a tremendous amount of structure. Ha! That is hardly my strong point! And how am I to accomplish that with the craziness of Todd's schedule and our 4 other children? I know it must be doable but I am so burdened right now under the weight of it. She needs to learn so many things that she hasn't yet and I can't seem to find the time to focus only on her as much as she needs.

Oh, Lord! Wisdom! We need wisdom! Grant us the peace that passes understanding and help us to see Your purpose in all this new information. Help us to make decisions that are best for Tyler and not most convenient for ourselves! And please Lord, if You see fit, heal her precious mind and enable her to learn the things You mean for her to. Give us peace with whatever may come in precious Tyler's life and help us to show Your love to her in every word, deed, and attitude as we live before her. Thank-You for the amazing gift that she is! Thank You, Precious Savior! Amen.

 

Well, after weeks of no internet access since our modem decided it had blinked it's little green light for the last time and keeled over we are now, finally, back in business. Yay!!!! Much has happened and my head is spinning a bit. For starters, I GOT A's AND B's IN ALL MY CLASSES!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! I am just totally amazed!!! I worked really hard those past few weeks and with the added help of Mom and Gracie with the kiddos and the house I was able to pretty much hyper focus and be ready for my finals. Todd became a hermit and found a hole to crawl into at the school and prepared for boards.

Just before my finals we got Todd's grades from his last section of medical school classes and.... drum roll please..... HE PASSED EVERY SECTION OF MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! I am sooooo proud of him! It really is quite an accomplishment especially since he was competing with nearly all single people (or at least without children) who were able to devote a lot more to their studying than was possible for him with a wife, 5 children (one of which was born during the toughest section of his first year), two house payments, two cars, health issues and medical emergencies, family issues, marriage struggles, major decisions, and never enough money to keep it all going. I don't have any idea how he managed to pull it off but I respect him enormously for hanging in there and following God's leading in his career. It is one of the hardest education paths you can take as it requires amazing focus, careful organization, intense determination, and tremendous brain power even in the best of situations. With our craziness it is nearly impossible (and I only say "nearly" because we actually made it through! Last year I probably would have said it was impossible; just flat out impossible. But here we are on the other side and we made it... *shakes head* Totally a God thing.....).

So Todd took his board exam yesterday.... the totally freaky, "everything-hinges-on-this-test" kind of massive exam that every med student dreads. We won't know if he passed it until the end of JULY but for now we are just enjoying the end of studying as we've known it and just trying to put our sanity back together. Last night our med school friends all came over to congratulate him on having it over and played games and watched a movie late into the night. I, however, am having one of the worse let-downs I've experienced in years. I could barely get out of bed today. I expected to be elated and want to party endlessly but all I want to do is sob. Yesterday was also the consultation about our little Tyler's behavior issues. I won't go into all that in this post as that is a whole 'nother long subject matter. I'll just say for now that I am reeling. I need to process all that but I'm feeling numb and completely conflicted in my emotions. Once I get it all sorted out I promise to fill you all in.

So that's all for today. Lots of pics and more news to tell in the next post..... Thanks, Daisy, for my sweet birthday post!! I had all these cool ideas about how I was gonna introduce my count down to 30 but..... *sigh* Yours was more lovey and it brought tears to my eyes! You are an awesome best friend!!

More to come.... TTFN!