A little update might be nice I guess...

Christmas was so fun with my wonderful Texas family here for a very
snowy and icy Christmas! We went caroling on Christmas Eve, shopping
(when we could get out), and ate until we could hardly move! I love my
family!!

They are always so much fun!

Then New Years came with a bang and celebrations with fun med school
friends who were in town visiting from Florida where they are doing
their clinicals. We laughed and talked until we rang in the New Year!

I don't make New Year's resolutions. I don't have anything against them
I just personally don't do them. Resolutions are a dirty word to us
free spirits. I don't like to make promises to myself that I highly
doubt I will actually keep....

The kids were so excited to get back to school and are thoroughly
enjoying jumping back into the swing of things. Trina couldn't wait to
wear all her new clothes from both her Grandma's to school. LOL! So
like her mother! Tacey had a major math test her first week back (btw,
why do they give major assessments right after a three week holiday??
Surely the children are not at their best just after all those days
away from school work!). Anyway, she easily got 100% and we were so
proud of her! Trenton is struggling a little with the new requirement
to write everything in cursive. It's slowing him down a little so he's
constantly pushing me to get him to school early so he can get a jump
start on his assignments... What a guy! He's so driven and organized
like his daddy!

Todd started his OB rotation on the 2nd and is already delivering
babies solo! Surprisingly, (to him, at least) he is really loving this
rotation so far. The teaching experience he is having as well as the
ability to really be involved with the patients has been interesting
and challenging. He's working at the same hospital as his bother, Tory
(who is an ER nurse), so while waiting for a patient to deliver he's
had the opportunity to hang out with him and make friends with the docs
in the ER and learn some things there while getting some hands on
experience too. He can't get enough of that kind of thing...

I'm starting to feel really intimidated by all this photography stuff.
I love taking pictures but for the first time I am more concerned about
the technical end of things and less interesting in just grabbing my
ultra cool camera and just shooting for the fun of it. All you photogs
out there please tell me this phase will pass and my creativity and joy
will return!! I long to see the beauty all around me in the faces of my
darling babes through the photographic lens but lately it all just
seems so mediocre. AHHHHHHhhhhhh.... Anyway, here's a few random
shots...

Well, I finally got brave enough to try out my hand at portrait work.
My dear friend, Vallorie, agreed to be my guinea pig and I think we
both had a lot of fun! I did her hair and make-up and then we went to
shooting....

   

 

It's hard to go wrong when you have such a beautiful subject! Can you believe this woman is the mother of 5 kids?? You can see more from this shoot HERE.

Well, I'm still learning and exploring my camera but I did want to share a few of my tries. The snow has been gorgeous but I'm unsure of how to photograph it best. I feel like my creativity is a bit stunted right now as I struggle to understand my new equipment. I'm sure once it becomes familiar my creativity will take off and I'll see the exciting results of having great equipment but for now I'm on information overload, I think.  I've avoided taking many pictures of the kids yet since they are tricky subjects and am preferring to stick with more stationary subjects until I get things figured out better. Here is some of the ice as it was melting in the sun a couple of days ago before the big snow rolled in:

And then it started to snow...

Our home in the snow. I think it looks so pretty and peaceful in the undisturbed snow...

Well, I prayed for a camera.... a lot. But I had no idea that God was about to drop one in my hands that was not only what I wanted but was above and beyond my expectations!!!! This just came in the mail yesterday and I'm still having trouble breathing every time I look at it!!

It arrived with two Nikon AF lens's; one 18 - 55 mm and one 55 - 200 mm. It also came with a Nikon carrying case, two instructional DVD's and one of these digital photo frames (way cool!! Love it!):

I screamed for the first couple of minutes. And then cried for about an hour. And then just stared at it in awe. I'd done my research and settled on this Nikon D80 model but I had no idea how incredible it would be to actually hold it in my hands and know it was mine! I've just had so much fun getting it all set up and starting to experiment with it! THANK YOU my dear anonymous benefactor!!! You can't know how special a gift this was to me and how much thankfulness fills my heart when I think of the Lord's provision through you! THANK-YOU from the bottom of my heart!!

And just for you..... My first photo posting with my incredible Nikon D80 (with no post editing):

We are all snowed in with ice coating everything! It's picture heaven, although a little dark and dreary...

I just gotta say that I happen to be blessed with some of the best Xanga buds on the planet! Thanks so much for your out pouring of support and love. My ego was pretty much shot last month but your comments were a real boost and helped me get past my inner demons and hold my head up. Thank-you, from the bottom of my heart for all the kind comments, messages, and emails! You guys are the best!

Also I want to send a big shout out to our families for their support and advice during this decision. Both mine and Todd's parents were home educators and yet lovingly advised and supported us in this decision. We are so grateful for the gift they both are to us and for their understanding during our struggle with this decision. We weren't sure what to expect but both sets of parents exceeded our expectations and reminded us again why we value their advice and insight. Thanks again, to both you guys! We love you very much!

Some of you may have noticed by now my lack of blogging and I think it's time I was out with some of the changes that have been taking place around here. I've wrestled extensively with whether or not to share any of this or if I should just avoid the topic on the internet but lately I been convicted about my very "cheery, everything-is-fine-and-dandy" blogging style and my avoidance of any "real" stuff. My internet "dependence" (and I use that word lightly ) has bothered both Todd and I especially as I found myself sinking deeper and deeper under the weight of my responsibilities and commitments. As one by one areas of my life began to unravel it soon became apparent to Todd and I that something major had to change. First, I reduced my internet activity to about 10 minutes a week. Not much changed. I was still in way over my head and sinking deeper. I managed to pass my 8 week Speech class with a B but then I just collasped under in all the rest of my classes. I started failing tests at school and turning in the wrong papers and forgetting books or assignments. I started adding up my scores and I was setting up to fail no matter what I did right from there on out and I couldn't live with that. So I went to Todd and presented my mess. I was completely frazzled; my house was falling apart. And suddenly it dawned on me that the kids schooling was way off track too. Now everyone in my life was suffering for my lack of ability to pull it all together. I had come to the proverbial end of my rope and I was falling apart at the seams! After days of talking, me sobbing buckets of tears, Todd pacing the floor, and hours of deliberation and prayer, we made some major changes:

First, I pulled out of all of my classes. I hated the idea of being a quitter but who in the world am I fooling?? I am the mother of 5 young children and I was trying to get a full time college education too! It was nuts. And yeah, you can say it: I told you so! A lot of you told me I was crazy but it took me a while to realize that I can't do/be everything I admire and aspire to.

But by far the most difficult decision was to stop trying to homeschool. I mentioned my struggles with ADHD several months ago in reference to our daughter Tyler's developmental struggles. But I don't usually elude to how much of a challenge teaching my own children has been with this added "issue". My attention span is short and my frustration level is high and it has rendered me an extremely poor educator. Trenton, Trina, and Tacey are all school age and need (and most notably, deeply desire!) a regular and challenging education and I simply have never, at anytime, given them that. *deep sigh* This is one of my biggest regrets and probably will always haunt me in my hall of shame. I think homeschooling is such a wonderful option but.... I just don't know any other way to say it: I do not have what it takes. I wish you all knew how deeply I wish that I did and how small I feel because I do not. But I'm tired of pretending that I am something that I'm not so I needed to be honest with you all.

We explored several options but with our income there honestly weren't that many. We have been blessed to live in the older section of one of Kansas City's finest neighborhoods. Crime is extremely low and the school system is the top rated in the entire city. So after praying hard and doing some research we decided to give the little elementary school down the street from us a chance. Several of the neighbor kids that our kids knew and played with went there and the moms raved about it. We decided to enroll them now, in the middle of the semester instead of waiting because we felt each day they would only be getting farther and farther behind.

That was 2 weeks ago now and so far all is well. We pray with and for them that they will show forth Christ and they really see that as their goal each day. It has been precious to hear about their forays into witnessing, showing love to the unlovely, and doing their best for God. They love every minute of school and yet are so excited to be home each afternoon to tell us all about their day and show us what they are learning. They stick up for each other on the playground and proudly introduce their siblings to their friends and class mates as their "best friend". It's wonderful to see how glad they are to stand out as Christians. Trina came home the other day relieved to anounce that her teacher was "a Christian". Apparently she asked.

And slowly my life is coming back together. Tyler and Tegan couldn't be happier to have some time with mommy that is undistracted and personal. We read more books and sing songs and take naps now. I have periods of quiet in my house during the day that I never had before. Order is returning and we are falling into a nice routine. Todd works with the kids every night on their homework and drills them in bible. They love this extra time working with Daddy and he is such a patient and thorough teacher. I am breathing again and it feels great!

I know many of you may be deeply concerned that we went this route and honestly I know what you are feeling. I grew up in the homeschool movement and I always thought I would be following in my parents footsteps. It really is a death of a vision for me and especially Todd. But we have by no means let go of our responsibility to educate our children or "given up on our ideals". It feels really strange to say "my kids are in school" but God has been so faithful leading us down paths we never imagined traveling so I know He will continue to be ever faithful! We trust His leading and we remain united in our goal to raise up a godly family with a heart to worship and serve our precious Savior! Whether our children are in public school or home educated God is ever near and His hand is on their little lives. Please pray for us as we adjust to the massive lifestyle change that this is bringing and navigate the judgment of our church and friends. We seek only to honor the Lord with the responsibilities that He has entrusted to us in the best way we know how.

So you probably will continue to see very little from me on this blog. I still have no camera so I don't have pictures to post but from time to time I will try to check in and leave comments and post an update. I've cherished your friendship and really miss seeing you all daily but I have to dig out here and stay focused on what matters to me most. Much love to you all!

10 years, and hardly a day goes by that I don’t wonder about
that. I wonder how we got here. If I look way
back I just have to smile. I was one of those little girls who dreamed of
marrying Prince Charming and living happily-ever-after from the tender age of
three! Ever dramatic, dreamy, and starry-eyed my friends and I planned mock
weddings, imagined the names of our children, and pretended to be pregnant with
pillows under our shirts. It all seemed so romantic and exciting!

By the time I was 16 I was an avid journal writer and spent
hours trying to make sense of growing up. Volume after volume of my beliefs on
everything from how I would raise my children to the importance of voting! I
hashed out my struggles with making my faith my own and poured out petitions to
God on everything from my need to get better math grades to cries for a
servant’s heart. And then one day a handsome, much older boy walked into my
life, literally in the middle of the night, and turned my heart upside down and
inside out. The whole world changed shape and color in that space of a moment.

That few days is scribbled down in every detail from that
middle of the night meeting to having my handsome blond hunk teach me to repel.
All seemed right with the world for those few days and when he left a part of
my heart went with him. But I fought that whole concept. I’d been taught to guard
my heart and it concerned me deeply that in the space of so little time my
heart seemed completely captured. I begged God to heal my heart and keep it for
Himself but that pain and longing wouldn’t go away. I poured myself into school
and church activities and a year later felt no closer to conquering my “crush”
than the day he pulled out of my driveway and stole my heart.

And then here he was again, larger than life, handsomer than
ever, and there was a different look in his eye. I wasn’t a little girl anymore
and he noticed. But I was 18 by only a few days and the visit was very brief.
He did asked me if I’d like to go for a ride on his motorcycle and of course, I
said yes! To me it was magical and I floated for days after.

Then came a long dark year at ITC. Plagued by memories I
poured out my heart in my journals. How
could a girl who had only been around a guy for a grand total of about 7 days have
such a profound crush on him that it lasted for years?? I wanted answers!
What was going on here?? What was wrong with me?? I argued to myself that he
probably didn’t even remember me! That I was a little kid to him. We came from
different worlds with only one mutual friend to connect us. I was a pampered
southern belle while he was a work-hardened, Midwestern farm boy fresh out of
the military. He was 7 years older and probably had a girlfriend or two waiting
for him back in Kansas.
I knew so little about him and yet felt such a strong connection that it
frightened and disturbed me. This can’t
be how it works, I thought. God what
are you doing? I had only to wait and see what happened next.

As I packed my bags to return home from Indy after the
longest 12 months of my life, I had this tingling of anticipation. News had
been filtering up to Indy and a certain handsome hunk was new to my
neighborhood. Now a regular around my parents’ kitchen table I would be seeing
a lot of the T-man (as my dad and I had taken to calling him in our emails) and
I had no idea what that would be like, but I was cautiously curious. All the
way home I tried to focus on seeing my family and how excited I was about that. But in the back of my mind one thought loomed and I couldn’t completely push it
out. What will he think of me?

And
suddenly I was running off that bus and into my brother’s arms and then I noticed
the guy standing next to him. I hadn’t expected him to come there so I wasn’t
prepared with a greeting, so I just said, “Hi, Todd.” He looked at me like he
was seeing me for the first time and he said, “Hi.” It was casual and
comfortable; as if we’d been seeing each other everyday for the past two years.
I felt a calm and warm sensation something like peace. It had been a while
since I felt happy and at home. But there in the middle of a parking lot in Knoxville, Tennessee,
I felt I was finally at home.

He looked curious. Like he was waiting for me to do
something shocking but we had a lovely day. The three of us rode all over the
mountains around Knoxville, got lost, went the wrong way on one way streets,
ate fast food and laughed a lot. Poor Josh probably felt like a fifth wheel but
at the time Todd and I didn’t notice.

And then Todd left and Josh and I stayed
in Knoxville
for the rest of the week working on different aspects of the ATI conference.
When we headed home a week later I was a bundle of excitement. Somehow I felt
like life was just about to begin for me.

And it did. Within weeks Todd and I started dating. We spent
every single day together for the next few months. And then we had the fairy
tale wedding of my dreams. All our family and friends gathered and it was
beautiful.

Then reality hit hard and fast. I was pregnant within weeks.
Todd worked full time and started working on his dream of medical school. I
struggled to meet the task to grow up fast and being who I needed to be. More
babies came; we bought our first home on 80 acres in Southeast
Kansas. Todd took on two jobs plus continuing his education nearly
all over an hours drive from our house. But he always called every chance he
got. Sometimes I didn’t see him for days but he still called. Sometimes we
would talk on the cell phone the whole time he drove to work or on his way
back. We made time to work on our farm and make babies and somehow the years
went by quickly. We’ve weathered some storms in our marriage but somehow God
has led us through.

We are kind of an intense couple. A lot of times our ups are
really high and our lows are really low. But those good times are what make it
all worth while. Todd challenges me everyday to be more like Christ; to serve
with my whole heart. He’s strong and dependable to my emotional flightyness. I
don’t always understand him or appreciate our differences but they are what
makes us who we are and what God is using to smooth out our rough edges. Todd
is certainly the man God placed in my heart and who He always planned for me to
grow old with.

It’s kind of funny thinking of little Todd climbing on the
school bus in the first grade when I was a tiny infant just learning to crawl.
Or Hot Toddy playing football in high school with all the cheerleaders shouting
his name while I was learning to ride a bike and jump rope! We laugh about the 80’s
songs that were popular when he was in high school compared with the mid 90’s
rock that I remember being the rage. The hot stars when he was in high school
were Harrison Ford and Tom Cruise while Brad Pit and Kevin Costner were all the
rage with the girls from my class! The generation gap cracks us up and every
now and again comes out in our interactions. He’s more in touch with the
passing of time and the process of aging than I am and therefore is more
concerned with having a long term focus and roots. I am only now starting to
feel age creeping up on me and the overwhelming knowledge of my lack of
expertise. I feel ordinary and insignificant. As I teach my children I feel
inadequate and ill-equipped. I don’t identify with the homeschoolers who are new
to this and they feel that they are blazing trails into unknown and exciting
new territory. I feel like I'm wondering around in a wilderness that looks all
too familiar and yet strangely frightening. I’m attending a secular college
and, for the first time, am realizing the vast depravity in our world and feel
utterly incapable of making a significant impact. I used to think that I would
change the world but now only hope to not screw up too badly and bring shame to
my Lord. I’m sure my proverbial pendulum will swing back more toward center
soon and I won’t feel so lost in such a huge and so deeply depraved world.

But for now I stand, gazing at the “mile stone” marking a
marriage of 10 years and I just wonder what the next 10 years will hold. If
these next 10, 20, and even 30 or 40 years are anything like the craziness of
these past 10 then it will be worth every bump, every rut, every broken down
moment of despair for the joy that I got to spend every moment of it as the
wife of the most incredible man; my man;
the man God fashioned and custom fit into my heart; the man of my dreams!!